Hope, light, love, and peace

The truth is, I am not the same person I was a week ago…a year ago…before the pandemic wreaked havoc on the world. 

Before the pandemic began, I’m not sure I imagined a world where I would be working from home and back in school completing a doctorate. Where I would be building my own business on my own terms. Where I could be relieved of some of the stresses and frustrations of the nonprofit world. These could be considered gifts were it not for the painful losses endured during these times. I have not met a person to date who has not been affected profoundly by the pandemic, myself included. Within the first two weeks of the stay-at-home order, a dear family member passed. And one by one, the people in my orbit began grieving losses as well. 

I am not the same.

A year ago, my father had been admitted to the hospital for his final stay before his passing. Although deep down within me I knew at the time we would soon be saying our goodbyes, I still clung to hope that we would have more time with him. I’m not going to go into details of his last bit of time here, that’s really for another post, another day when I feel strong enough to write about it. I will say that his loss has been profound and there are some days where I am extremely grateful that I work from home and can create my own schedule. There are some days when the grief needs attention in order to function. For those of you who mourn the loss of one or more parents, I see you.

I am not the same.

I know I am not alone when I say that this time of year can be extremely difficult. Last week, I began to feel those same waves of emotion of impending loss as I imagine others whose loss at holiday time imprinted complex feelings about celebration amidst grief. It is a fascinating conundrum; one that can’t easily be explained. But there is added weight this year. My son, whom I now call “The Adult”, turned 18 this year and he is completing his last year of high school. The realization that he will soon be off on his own adulting somewhere leaves me with the somber realization that the years with him flew by far too quickly. But I’ll take this year’s quiet and reflectful holiday with him to continue soaking in as many memories as I can. 

I am not the same.

Yes, there has been so much loss and change over the past few years for me, and maybe for you. But I still cling to hope. To light. To love. You see, I have met some amazing people and have developed relationships that have only deepened during this pandemic. I count amongst my closest friends people who I have never met in person and yet have shared some of my wildest thoughts and dreams. (Big thank you to the Friday Night Zoom Shenanigans crew! Y’all are the best!) And there are more relationships forging and more change to be had. 

That being said, I send my love, peace, and healing to all of you as we move through this winter and holiday season. Let us cling together through our collective grief, and move in light and hope together.